2003-03-31
My, how the tide changes
My dad and I had the biggest heart to heart ever this morning. We'd been fighting over what my computer controls should be (how seventh grade,right?) already, then Elliott's mom called me. Dad hates that I'm so close to her, and comes into the bathroom where I was getting ready, and was like, "Why is ____ calling you?" I was like (yeah, I need to get over my valley girl lingo, huh?), "Uh, because she can. Plus we have a really good relationship annnd she wanted to know if I wanted to make some money today, but I have class, so I cannot." He got angrier and yelled, "Well, your relationship with her is ruining my relationship with you! I don't want you to call her anymore, I don't want you to go over there. I don't support your relationship with Elliott at all. I want you to break up with Elliott. END IT! Break up with him, or you'll be getting the fuck out of my house! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!!" I looked at him and said very calmly, "Oh, I understand you. And you're right, I am getting out of your house." This infuriated him even more (way to let him know gently I'm moving out, right?) and he started screaming, "You'll be paying for everything! I'm not supporting you one bit!" I looked at him and said, "I didn't ask you too, and I'm fully aware that bills will be my responsibility." I think my indifference to his threats angered him more, and he flew out, talking about how I would have NO relationship with him, Mom, or the rest of my family if I moved out (like, he'd see to it). He left, and I dissolved into tears. Stress just does that to me, you know? I calmed down, and started back on my makeup. After a while, he knocks on the bathroom door (yeah, okay so it takes me a while to get ready in the mornings) and tells me to come with him (he's no longer angry, he's actually quite subdued and I can tell he's decided to actually be an adult...okay, that was harsh). I told him he could come in, b/c I wasn't finished getting ready, and I had to go to school (thank God it's a large enough bathroom that I can get ready and have company at the same time, haha). He sits down and starts out by apologizing. He said he realizes he overreacted and is hyperdefensive, and apologized. Then he was like, "Something happened once that forever altered the way I view relationships, and I try sometimes to correct the past through you, but that's not your responsiblity, and I'm sorry. You should be able to make your own decisions and to choose who you date. I realize this and am sorry I said the things I did. I want the best for you (I bit my tongue to keep from asking how he thought he'd know what was best for me, good girl). I missed seeing something once (about a relationship), and I kept ignoring/missing it,and it really messed me up in the end. It hurt me a lot, and I can't look at relationships unbiased of that experience now. I can't go back in time, but I can make other people wish they had. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to have the same experience I did, but at the same time, it's not right for me to try and control you." Here he trailed off and was going to say more about his experience that messed him up so badly (I've known for years and years something had happened, but I've yet to find out what it actually is. I suspect some things, based on other things I've seen, but it has to be bigger than that, I'm sure of it.) I told him to finish, that I was listening, but he got up to leave, anyway. I told him to sit back down, that I had something to tell him. At first he resisted, then relented. He sat down, and I turned around and said,"You're right, experiences you've had in relationships do forever alter the way you see things. When I was dating Jason, he raped me. Of course I wasn't going to say anything, b/c I've always been super independent and I'm always like, "I can take care of myself" attitude, which I still do, only it's different now. The only reason I dated Jason in the first place was b/c he was such a "big Christian". But there were a lot of things in that relationship that were really fucked up. There's the rape, and there's some other things, and you know what? If I went back in time, I would definitely never date him again (though part of me is glad I went through all that shit b/c it's made me who I am today, and I'm pretty strong and have moved past all that; it was an extreme learning experience on relationships, as it was my first big one). It was my first big relationship, so I thought a lot of the things (not the rape, mind you) was the norm, and I stayed with him, hoping he'd change and not knowing any better about a lot of it. Jason treated me like shit, but I stayed with him because he touted himself as a Christian. But that taught me never ever judge someone by their religious preference, or even lack thereof. I will never again date someone or not date someone based on whether they are or are not a Christian. Yes, I realize true Christians aren't like that, but that's not the point. I dated Jason b/c he 'was' one, and you're wanting me not to date Elliott because he is not a Christian. Well, that's not happening. I WILL NOT break up with Elliott over that, ever. I've learned. And Elliott's an amazing human being, and he's perfect for me. Yeah, maybe it's a little difficult sometimes b/c we don't agree on that, but it's not something that I will allow to make or break our relationship, and we don't point our fingers in each other's faces and say, "You're WRONG!" That's just not right. I love Elliott. He has the upmost respect for me, and he loves me for who I am. He doesn't mock me, and he doesn't try to fit me into some American Eagle box. He likes me for who I am, all by myself. He's a much better human being than Jason or any other Christian guy could ever hope to be, and I'm not going to give that up for you, for God, or for anybody. Ever." My dad just kind of sat there, stunned. He kept asking me why I didn't tell him about Jason earlier, and I told him I thought he'd be mad at me for putting myself in that situation, b/c it wasn't like Jason had to rip my clothes off; we'd fool around, and I'd tell him I wasn't going to have sex with him, and he'd say okay, and then raped me anyway. My dad then started crying and hugged me. He held me, wept, and was like, "I'm so so sorry, Lauren. I am so sorry." Over and over again. Of course I teared up, it was the biggest heart to heart of my life with my Dad. I'd held back all of that for years, and it's finally out in the open. Jason raped me, I don't care if Elliott's a Christian or not, and nope, I'm not a virgin. For the love of all that is good, I was sixteen when that happened with Jason. My dad just cried and cried and cried. I had to console him and remind him that it wasn't his fault. I felt so bad for him, because I know that's gotta suck hearing that from your daughter. He asked if Mom knew (no dude, I think that'd hurt her wayy to much), and then was like, "Well, he can still be prosecuted, you know." I told him no, that I had moved on and past it, and that I really didn't feel like opening that wound back up for the entire world to see (a public diary is one thing, a courtroom is completely another). He shook his head and cried and cried and said he was sorry for yelling earlier and everything. He kissed me and told me he hoped I had a really good day. I love my dad. I feel so much better now. Hopefully this means things will change for the better.
aigre-douce at 9:26 a.m.