2003-10-02
oct. 2
Yesterday was the four-month anniversary of my first date with James. It was the first time we had met in person, and immediately we started dating. After I was so positive I didn't want to date anyone after Elliott for a long, long time. Isn't life funny. People change. I know I have. Whether anyone else can tell or not, I have. For starters, I'm no longer some easily trusting super loving friendly person anymore. I'm not sure where punctuation should go in that sentence, so I'm letting it go. It's a diary, not a term paper, for the love of God. I'm not friendly anymore. I watch my back 24/7. I no longer let people in, not until they've proved themselves to me. I've trusted too many people who have ended up fucking me over. I'm also not as selfish as I was, contrary as that may sound. I can't really excuse any of it, except to say it's part of growing up. I fucked up a lot. I was really, really selfish, and did things not caring about how they would effect other people (and I'm not talking about knives here). I guess I was subconsciously trying to make up for being so devoted to Elliott, and not really doing things I wanted then b/c of him. Ah, whatever. None of that matters now. I have changed, a lot. I guess I've just grown up. In doing so, I'm making a conscious effort to clear the air w/Allison Cole. That's sucking up a lot of pride, but I think I can do it. I'm basically doing it because people do change, and for people to believe that I really have changed and that it's not just a show, I have to accept that Allison's changed, too, as much as I hate to admit it. I'm really trying to drop grudges I have against people, but it's really not the easiest thing in the world. Especially people who are repeated offenders and keep pissing me off. I'm trying, but it's not easy. Eughah.
Making up is so nice. With James, I mean. I completely forgot about the above paragraph there for a second. He's really a sweet guy, and one of the two people I know I can trust with my life. Plus he bought me a black knitted hoodie with toggle buttons, so you know I can't resist that, ah ha. Just kidding. I'm not that materialistic, but it's little things like that out of nowhere that make life so nice. His livejournal entry from yesterday is awfully sweet, too. I love shout-outs, haha. He's the best person in the world (besides Desiree) to spend all day every day with. It's ridiculous how much we like each other. Because you know you can love someone, but not always like them. For instance: parents, siblings.
The electricity went out this morning, and I have to do all this Mark. (Avon) stuff online, so I was screwed. I called Dad, and he actually gave me the password to the computer. For those who don't know, that'd be like Sadaam getting saved or something. It's unbelievable. I'm so proud/impressed that my daddy is growing up, haha.
He and I actually got along perfectly yesterday (he's off on Wednesdays, and there's usually tension). I introduced him to Outkast (he's more of a fan of Andre 3000), and we discussed me not going back to the junior community college, and just waiting and going off to college, not necessarily in Alabama. He's going to fix up the Chick Magnet (a mocking referral to this blue, 1980something Cougar station wagon that has a HUGE dent in one side, really a p.o.s. car) for me, so I can get a job, then get a loan from a bank to buy James's (2001?) Ford Focus. Raise your hand if you already knew that. Didn't think so. And for anyone interested, the reason I'm not working right now is not only b/c I haven't been able to find one, but b/c I don't have a car to get to one, either. Oh dang, didn't think about that, did you? (I'm tired of getting shit for that, sorry.) The system's fucked up. I can't get a car b/c I don't have a job, but I can't get a job b/c I don't have a way to get there! And so, my dad is going to fix up the Chick Magnet (*swallowing pride*), and part of my problem will be fixed. Now if only I can camouflage it and make it invisible....
For further information, I've been hardcore researching colleges lately. My ass is getting out of here asap. However, for what I'm looking for in a school, Alabama's not the place for me. James wants to go to UAB. I want to go to college with James. I don't want to go to school in Alabama. Me=Fucked. If I do stay in Alabama, however, we're looking at Birmingham (most likely), or UA-Tuscaloosa (funnily, according to The Princeton Review, it's the most ideal for me for Alabama). Needless to say, my life has been full of decisions lately. Which I suck at making, but am trying diligently to do so. It's always easier when your parents are supportive, if only emotionally. Something my parents haven't been. Till now, that is. Gah gah gah.
Now I get to do my online training for Mark., woohoo! And research what I want from NY, of course, haha.
It's October. Time for breakups (wait, not this time around! I <3 James Edward O'Keefe!!!), Harry Potter, apples, parties, and all things mysterious. Shit, my brother's birthday is tomorrow. He'll be 15.
aigre-douce at 11:39 a.m.