2004-07-11
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I'm so glad this week is over. I spent most of it partying, so you think I would've enjoyed it, but really, it was just weird. It was surreal in a sense (a few senses, actually), and felt like some sort of long, weird dream.
I felt like I finally woke up yesterday morning from this dream, when James called to tell me he was on his way over. He'd driven down from Atlanta yesterday morning, and was coming straight to my house. I got so excited, and I couldn't wait to see him. I was in the shower when he got to my house, and I'd left the front door unlocked. James just climbed into the shower with me when he got to my house, and we made up for not being together for the last week.
Afterwards, while I was getting ready to go out (he was taking me to have sushi), James said that he wants us to just date. Not have any sort of (said) relationship, even though we'll be moving in together still, just date. He said he feels like he's my father sometimes, since he feels so responsible for me, and all the stressing out he does over me has given him ulcers. And so, we're no longer in any sort of relationship, we're just dating.
To be honest, of course this breaks my heart. I thought I wasn't, but I'm still definitely in love with the guy. I still want him to be my boyfriend, and I want us to be Lauren&James. I love him. I get jealous when I think of him getting hit on by other girls, or flirting, etc. It hurts, even. This is the one time I'll actually admit to any of this. Yesterday we were driving to Mikata (the Japanese steakhouse), and we were listening to the Misfits' 'Saturday Night'. I had been thinking about how I wish things were like they used to be, and how I did't understand what had happened, because it all came as a surprise and happened so fast. "but the back seat of the drive-in is so lonely without you/ I know when you're home I was thinking about you,/ There was was something I forgot to say/ I was crying on a Saturday night/ I was out cruising without you,/ they were playing our song/ crying on Saturday night" Those lyrics hit me and it was weird because it was Saturday night, and though he was in the car right beside me, I missed him, I missed the old James that used to tell me he wanted to marry me and be with me forever, and who would come up behind me and give me amazing hugs while I was shopping, I missed that James, and I felt so lonely, and I didn't want to wonder if it was okay to hold James's hand, I wanted it to be my privelege, but I'm not his girlfriend anymore, and the tears started rolling right down my face. Of course, I didn't him to see me crying, and so I twisted in my seat towars the window, hoping he wouldn't notice. He did, and demanded an explanation. The funny thing is, it didn't make any difference when I told him why I was crying, so it was stupid for him to have demanded an explanation in the first place, I think. It's not like he pulled the car over, held me and said, "Baby, it's going to be all right." Instead, he just was a little angry that I was crying. Damn.
We went to Mikata, and had a really nice dinner. I ended up not getting sushi after all, since James didn't want any, and I didn't know what to order. Mikata is one of those places everyone sits at a big table around a stove-type thing, you're elbow to elbow with strangers, and the man cooks the food in front of you, and makes a big performance of it. It's fun, but no good if you're wanting something more intimate. At any rate, dinner was great, and I did very well with the chopsticks, which I'm proud to report.
After dinner, we went to the mall to get James some shoes. He didn't find any, but insisted on buying me some new jeans when he saw how large the hole in the thigh of my jeans had become. I told him it wasn't his place to do that, and he didn't really need to do that. After all, he's the one that wanted less responsibility for me, right? However, he kept on, so we shopped. After trying on a dozen or so pairs, I finally found a perfect pair at Express. Apparently I'm a 4 Short there. Who knew. We did end up holding hands a little, but I still felt like I was asking too much from him for some reason.
We went to Home Depot and looked at lumber to build the loft. That's going to be much more expensive than originally perceived. So if anyone has any lumber deals...holla. We found a nice microwave (thanks Desiree!), and just played around a bit. Afterwards we went and saw The Terminal. We had a lot of time before the movie started, so we played around a bit and bought Tropical Nerds Ropes (gooood). I'd read a lot of bad reviews for the movie, but I thought it was wonderful. James loved the movie, too. Generally, we like the same sorts of movies, I think. We got all cuddly nearing the end. I also got a goodnight kiss, but that was about as lucky as I got.
Originally, when James found out I had the house to myself this weekend, he got really excited and wanted to spend the night. However, he told his parents he'd be home last night, and his argument is that we're about to move in together, so what's the difference (we'll be sleeping together). Actually, I feel that there's a lot of difference...for one, we're not sleeping on air mattresses on the floor at my house. Secondly, Josh isn't bound to pop in at any minute, and I have carpeting at my house (we don't have any yet @ the apt.). So when he said goodbye last night, he kissed me, said he loved me, and promised he would come over and hang out as soon as he woke up this morning.
My phone just rang....James. He's swelling, so he's just going to hang out at his house today and rest so it'll go away. Also, instead of leaving Tuesday, now he wants us to leave tomorrow. He's going to see if his dad is going to give him the truck...in which case I'll be driving to Atlanta behind him tomorrow. So. No more just-us time. That's all I've wanted for weeks now, and I'll be damned if I can get it. I understand about being sick...but the timing is the worst possible ever. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.
aigre-douce at 12:03 p.m.