2003-05-05
I LOVE YOU!
I don't know why I act the way I do. I love him to death, but things I say always end up coming out in ways I hadn't meant for them to. I'm not trying to be mean, and I don't want to be. I guess it's just my defensive nature that does it. I really do love him. And I'm not trying to hurt him or get revenge. I don't want to make him feel that way. I want to say I love you. I want to be able to run into his arms and stay there forever. But I can't, that's the way things are. We've decided to date each other when we see each other, and date other people in the meantime. This makes me somewhat happier, but I still don't know how to act, and what is appropriate or inappropriate. I love him. And to cover this up, I end up being almost mean and taunting, like I'm doing things and telling him stuff to spite him. I DON'T MEAN IT! I don't mean for it to sound like that, either. Sure, I could sleep with other guys. Guys like me. That's fine. I WANT ELLIOTT. I mean, I wouldn't hate making out with, oh, say....Buck. But at the end of the day, I dream of Elliott. I'm almost like an obnoxious little kid, vying for her parents' attention. (Whoa, what's up, Freud) "Notice me, notice me!!!" It's pathetic and I hate myself for it. It's horrible. But what do you say? "I'm sorry for being a douchebag because really I don't know how to express/cover the fact that I still love you"??? Gahhh. And it's worse when he's happy to talk to me, and then I accidentally ruin it. I love him. This should be apparent to him. I know he cares, I just wish my words came out the way I mean them. Hopefully I will grow up soon. I just want to say "I love you".
aigre-douce at 12:10 a.m.