2003-06-23
Excuses, excuses
So once again, I have written a super important entry, and my stray marks of my fingers on the keys, have managed to delete ALL of it. Damn the computer. But oh no, I will retype all of it later, if not now. Expect updates today.
Original entry went:
I feel like shit. Never before in my life have I had something so handed to me and still, I can't make up my mind what it is I really want. James's diary Read the last two entries for the full effect. And by two, I meant three, because he just updated.
With that link inserted. . .
To make a long story short, I told James that I wanted to date other people. I wanted to continue dating him, but to be able to date other people, too. I said this in the beginning when we first met, and that I didn't want a relationship, but things happen, I guess. I kind of let myself get carried up in it all, not that it wasn't worth it, it's just not realistic for me right now. We'd exchanged sweet words, and I did mean them. It's just not best right now. Yet in doing what is right for me, I have hurt him. And feel horrible about it. I'm not ready for a relationship, and probably won't be for some time. If you want to be able to understand more where I'm coming from and can take it, read a few months back. It's all about my relationship with Elliott, and you will understand. And you'll see that I'm not doing this out of spite, I'm doing it to save us both a lot of heartache. I'm not ready for it right now, and would only end up hurting you more than I already have. Which I am really sorry about.
This is the first time in literally a year that I have stood up for what I really thought was better for me in a relationship (the last being me telling Donald that he was wasting his time trying to hook back up with me after he had cheated on and left me for that Hooters chick), and yet, I feel like the bad guy. I feel like shit, either way, but I feel especially bad because I'm making James feel bad. I never meant for that to happen. I really didn't. I mean, I guess that's stupid saying that, because does anyone ever mean to hurt other people?
Off to class, will update/edit.
Edit:
I guess I'm upset/confused because I did all I possibly could, short of moving to Tennessee with him, to make Elliott and I work, and things just didn't work out. We both put effort into it (some, anyway), but it just wasn't realistic, I guess. On the other hand, I've done everything I could to try and make James not fall so hard for me, but I still treated him well. And he fell, anyway. Hard hard hard hard. And I really didn't do anything but be his friend, a good person to date. I went to see him every day but the last that he was in the hospital, and I don't have a car, or access to one. I worked my ass of that week, going to school, going to see him, then school and church. Oh fun. But he was worth it to me. But he feels that he's "not enough for [me]". That's not fair. It's not that he's not enough, it's that I don't know what I want; I'm not even sure if I want anything at all. Get it? It's not his fault. At all. And it's really not mine, either. I don't know. I am tired of this subject. I feel like shit, and I've depressed him worse. Go me.
On another note: Today I'm wearing my boy scouts shirt, and a guy came up to me and offered to buy one of the badges off of it. Apparently the one I have they no longer make, and it's a big deal. So the badge on the $4 boy scout shirt I bought is worth $20. Wow. Unfortuantely, that is a sacrifice I will not make. Sigh.
Today should be a pretty good day. I made my project proposal for art today; it's a photography project. I can't wait to see what she says, hopefully it will go through. It's something I've been wanting to do for quite some time now, and it's a perfect excuse to do so.
Something else that was on my original entry: Aaron had called me last night and asked if he could take me to school today, so I let him. Of course I wasn't ready when he got there, so while I finished, he and my mom talked about religion. He used to be a Church of Christ preacher for a while, but then all this stuff happened, so he was agnostic for a while and has recently started trying to rebuild his faith in God. My mom likes him. Apparently someone offered my parents two cars today. This helps rebuild my faith in God. I'm not sure if that person knew that the Caddy was breaking down, but it is. And now we have two cars, though I do not yet know of the build/make. Yay.
It is super hot today and the college's air conditioning is broken, so it's horrible. I would wear jeans on a day like this. Bagahhhh. Sigh, lab in ten minutes. Today must get better. I can only take so much on one Monday. Have a great day. And try to be conscious of accidentally deleting entries.
aigre-douce at 10:36 a.m.