2003-07-02
nervous breakdown, day three. i miss james like whoa
Yesterday Aaron told me he wanted nothing to do with me makeout-wise or just plain romantically. I have been pushed aside. Kicked to the curb. And have made myself disappear to him. I will not chase after him. It's simply not worth it. He's insane.
Apparently Blake does think Aaron's cute, but didn't hit on him at all the other day. He comes in the coffeeshop tonight, and was all like, "Lauren! Your boyfriend is soo cute!!" I was a bit puzzled, then was like, "Aaron? He's not my boyfriend." Blake: "Well, he should be." I told Blake he could take that up with Aaron if he so desired, and Blake was like, "Oh, I already told him that." "WHAT?" "Yeah, the other day I asked him if you two were together, and he was like, "No. Wait. Yeah. Yes, we are." My jaw dropped. I had no idea. This only means that Aaron's that much crazier than I thought. Because that means he really did change in a matter of hours. Crazy. Only literally. I told Blake that Aaron had told me he wanted nothing to do with me like that anymore, and Blake was extremely surprised to hear this. He asked if he was all the way straight, and I told him I suspected otherwise, and by the end of the night, I had given Blake Aaron's number, reassuring him that it was okay with me. Because it is. He sure as hell doesn't want me, despite what he might've led me on to believe. And boy did I believe it.
I am in the middle of a now three-day nervous breakdown. It just won't stop. I can't not cry anymore. It's just too much for my nerves to bear at present. Nothing's going right except for James and Shana. That's it. They've been here with me through this entire ordeal, and I'll always be thankful for that.
I really like James a lot. And yes, you can take that statement to the extremes. I really miss him, too. He went to Bham with Josh till Friday. He needed that trip. He needed to get out of town, to be able to relax. I feel bad for James, I'm afraid he's going to get hurt. I care soo much about him, yet at the same time other people still have some bearing on my emotions, which I hate.
Work sucks once again. The new girl gets the perks that Chris had, while I, the more experienced worker with seniority, still gets stuck with grunt work. What the hell. I miss Chris. Because if I'm going to be doing the exact same goddamn thing, I should be able to have someone that understands about customers that come in a THIRTY MINUTES AFTER CLOSING, right? Gahhh. I stole his nametag, since obviously he won't be needing it anymore. Where to put it....
About James. He's mind-blowingly good for me. He cares. He understands that "[I] care about Aaron", and lets me know that he's there for me to talk about it with. He doesn't take it personally or get hurt that I'm interested (or was, anyway) in Aaron, and has told me that if I really care about him, that I should go after him. That if I want to be with Aaron, he wants me to be happy and won't hold me back. I love him for that. I always will. I wish he had been here today. I just want to hold him, and to be held. To rest my head on his chest and fall asleep. I miss him. He's wonderful. He reminds me of the way I was with Elliott. Only he's better. Man. Uh-ma-zing. Lovin' that kid. Never in my life have I had anyone who treats me as well as he does, nor was that understanding. He's totally amazing.
aigre-douce at 11:11 p.m.