2003-07-01
You dressed up in pink to break my heart face
I am having a nervous breakdown. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't seem to stop. I'm not being myself anymore, really. I don't know.
Yesterday I made myself extremely vulnerable to Aaron (not necessarily romantically so)...and then later remembered him telling me he thinks he may be gay while we were high the other night. And then I thought about how my gay friend Blake was all like, "You should hook up with Aaron", and then yesterday he hit on him. Not knowing how else to cooly handle this, I am giving Aaron Blake's number. I hate myself. James is always lamenting to me that he must not be enough for me? I must not really be enough for any guy (except with the exception of James), because they like guys more than they like me. Not exactly a warm fuzzy feeling. I know I'm agressive and have a somewhat masculine personality, but my outside is totally feminine, as are my mannerisms, minus smoking. I smoke like a guy. Big deal. So it leaves me feeling really uneasy about myself, and of course it hurts. I really like/ed Aaron, and I'm not sure what's going on now, with me. I don't know how to really respond/react. I mean, its not as if he's 100% liking guys, because he's not. How do you respond to that?
I was going to withdraw from my biology class and still be able to get money back from it, right? No, that date's already passed, so at this point if I do withdraw, it's going to be bad news for me.
James is not happy with me over the Aaron thing. He asked me yesterday if he existed for me when I was kissing Aaron, and if I thought of him then. I hate myself.
I had a paper due this morning.....yeah, instead Shana spent the night, we cleaned my room (and by that, I really mean she cleaned it and I helped), and then we sat around drinking Buttery Nipples. No paper doing here. So I skipped classes today. Aaron called me this morning and was all like, "Hey sweetie, I'm running a little late, but I'll still be there-", since he's been driving me to and from school everday for the last two weeks, and I was like, "Oh, I'm not going to school today, so don't worry about it." He was like, "Uhmmmm.....well, I'll catch up with you later...." Yeah, I won't hold my breath.
Instead, today I am going to Shana's to 'write my paper' (hopefully it will get done), wash my jeans since our machine's broken, be away from the distractions of my house (i.e.- phone that's not ringing, Harry Potter book, doughnuts, etc). Plus I can smoke over there. This makes me happy. I need to smoke today. Black tar lungs, yeah!
Outside it is pouring to match my insides.
I am tired of meaning too much to some people and not enough to others. I feel responsible for everything.
Have a nice day.
aigre-douce at 11:35 a.m.