2003-09-17
sloppy firsts
I feel guilty when I make an update on my livejournal and not diaryland, which comes first and which I'm in love with. So here goes.
James and I are working things out (financially, etc) so we can move in together. Because I know I want to be with him (indefinitely), and I really do need to break away from my parents. Most parents help their children move on and forward in life. For some reason, mine don't. It's like they want me stuck under their wing thumb for the rest of their lives, them telling me exactly how to live my life, etc. And I say no. I deserve more than that. And it's going to be hard, but you know what? It will be my life, uninhibited by my parents' rule. I will have only myself to blame for any mistakes I make, but at least I'll be free to make those mistakes and experience life, finally being able to grow up. Lately I've realized that I feel like I'm still thirteen, and that everyone else has grown up. I hate that feeling. And now I'm going to end it.
The other day I called Desiree, who wasn't there, so her mother and I chatted for a bit. She asked me how I was doing, and when I said fine, she pressed for a more realistic answer. (Does she know?) So I told her that I'd been in a serious funk lately, and she asked me about things (driver's license, etc), and she said it's natural for me to be really depressed right now, because you're supposed to be moving forward in life at this age, and when you can't, it's natural for you to get extremly depressed. I really appreciated that, because it gave me a lot of perspective. And I feel tons better now. It's always good to have a scapegoat, you know? And in a lot of ways, I do believe my depression directly is an effect of my parents' involvement in my life. Time to break free and allow myself to grow up.
On another, completely unrelated note, I have just finished reading one of the best books ever, Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. The main character's personality and humor is a lot like mine, especially the sarcastic bit. She's hilarious. And falling in gay guys (attn: Blake Weeks)? C'mon, that has my name all over it. I recommend that book to every female, no matter what the age. It's hilarious, and the first book in a really long time that I just haven't been able to put down. I finished it in one day, but it's okay, because there's a sequel, which is essential, I've found.
Ooh, I need to hit the library up.
I'm off to have my one meal for the day. Since my body can't handle anything more than that these days.
Oh hey, guess what? At this moment, I'm happier than I've been in a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time.
aigre-douce at 1:22 p.m.