2003-10-20
"Jukebox Breakdown"
For the last week or so, my heart has been pounding against my chest. I can't sleep, and the smallest things make me jump. I feel like I'm in high school again; I stay up all night because I just can't sleep, dig up things at night, and can only sleep for about four hours in the morning.
My heart hurts. I wish I knew why.
I'm tired of relationship problems. I want to stop picking out flaws like friendly flirting and blowing them out of proportion. Really, I don't care, I just want to be happy. Isn't that sad? I really am tired of worrying about petty things; dates and times of past events that have been twisted, worrying about one of my best friends and my boyfriend jokingly flirting, and it suffocating me. I'm not as strong as I should be. I just don't want to think anymore. I want to be happy. I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to be miserable in the long run because I don't want to pay attention to the small details, and I just want to belive every sweet thing I'm told. I'm trying to focus on what's really important, and that's that I love James, and want to be with him. Nothing else should matter, and these tiny splinters should't cause me to bleed to death. Does that make sense to anyone? Because I can only hold things in for so long. I'd like to blame all this worrying and stuff on my birth control and my period fucking with my hormones. I surely hope so. Because I'm tired of crying over nothing. Like, as I was writing three sentences earlier, I started sobbing out of nowhere. Fucking Saves the Day. I had a song stuck in my head, so I thought I would listen to it while I was making this entry, and I just ended up sobbing instead.
'Jukebox Breakdown' by Saves the Day
If you've got a quarter you can stick in my neck
And i'll sing whatever song you want for whatever mood you're in.
Isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
I've got a mouth full of blood.
Well i'll carry this casket if it's what i have to do.
So bring on the dark sky and let it cover me entirely.
Isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
And all you want from me is a broken heart.
And i'll run down to the river and grab five buckets of water.
Wait right where you are and i will serve you at your table.
I hope you like my restaurant and the lighting is right.
The jukebox is in the corner. my mouth is the speaker.
It plays your favorite songs and you know where the coin slot is.
Isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
And all you want from me is a broken heart.
'Freakish' by Saves the Day
As i'm talking my words slip to the floor
And they crawl through your legs and slide under the back door
Rendering me freakish and dazed.
Well here i am. i don't know how to say this.
The only thing i know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
So i'll go walking through the streets until my heels bleed
And i'll sing out my song in case the birds wish to sing along.
And i'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe.
Well here i am. i don't know how to say this.
The only thing i know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
I'll make my way across the frozen sea, beyond the blank horizon,
When i can forget "you and me" and get a decent night's sleep.
Well here i am. i don't know how to say this.
The only thing i know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
Don't shut me out.
I'm also tired of feeling like I'm in the wrong for getting angry slash hurt about things, when I know deep down I have every right to be upset. I'm tired of my heart being broken. I just wonder if I'm the one doing it.
And I'm incredibly sorry for this outburst, but the only way I can get things out is to write them. So that's that.
And no, this is not a list of complaints because I want to end things with James. This is simply things that have been gnawing at my insides and won't let me rest. I love James. Relationships are just hard, that's all.
aigre-douce at 12:37 p.m.