2003-10-19
moving out and california!
Disclaimer: This is a really long entry, but essential to understanding this past week, and a lot of changes I'm making in my life. So if you're really interested, read on.
Soo many things have happened this past week, which is precisely why I haven't updated. Sometimes you just need to be able to think and reflect before really talking about it, you know?
For starters, my dad and I got into another fight Wednesday night. My brother Cameron had come home with a much-improved report card, but instead of being happy about that, my dad had to tear him to shreds over his table manners. I wasn't in the room, so I didn't get what was going on, but I could hear my dad berating him and basically verbally abusing the shit out of him, so I went in there to see what was up.... I was like, "Listen, he's a kid.....", and then Dad just yelled at me for 'butting in' (kinda hard not to do when that's all you can hear, throughout the house), and I was like, "You really make your kids feel like crap." His response? "MY KIDS DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE CRAP, THAT DO!" And then he screamed in my face some more. I could tell he wanted to hit or grab and shake me, but held back b/c my mom's been talking to him about that. But I burst into tears anyway. I fucking hate that man, I really do. Ah, before I get any further into the explanations of this week, I wrote this Live Journal entry on Monday . If you know me, I'm sure you've heard everything in it several times before, but I just got a fresh surge of everything Monday.
Alright, so after reading that (or skimming it even), and after fighting with my dad (AGAIN!), you can understand the next decision I made. I called James, in tears, and was like, "When's the soonest we can get a place?" We've been talking about it for a while, but I haven't done it yet because I haven't wanted to cause a rift between my parents and James and I. But I've been threatened by my dad for the last time. I'm moving out. It's final. I don't care anymore about how he feels about it. I really don't. He can't be self-righteous with me and look down on me for not being "Christian" enough to save sex and everything for marriage, when he didn't do that himself(#1), and abuses me(#2). Mmmmm, no. I'm going to be happy, and you know what? This is my life, not anybody else's that I'm living. I'm going to make myself happy. I'm done with being miserable to set up a certain image for my parents and other family members, etc. So that's that, James and I are getting a place together, within the next month or so. I'll be happy because not only will I no longer be living with Hitler my dad, I'll be with James all the time. Which both of us are fans of, but he lives two towns (cities?) away, and his truck drinks like it's going out of style, so we don't see each other as often as we'd like. So that takes care of those two problems, plus, like I said in the LJ entry, I need money for college, which the 'rents aren't helping out with. So when I move out, I can get a job wherever we end up living (we're vacillating between Enterprise and Dothan; Enterprise is cheaper, but Dothan is nicer and has more jobs), and then when it's tax time, I can file as an Independent [lightening the mood humor: "writing off hos as dependents" ('Ho' by Ludacris f. Shawna)], which will get me more Pell Grant money for college. And since until I can buy James's Ford Focus (story explained in further paragraph), James will be the one taking me to work, anyway. So it's a lot easier for both of us, living together. Of course there's that whole rent thing, so since our friend Taco (Brian) is wanting to get out, too, he'll be living with us, too. See, it all works out.
Wednesday night James and I got into a very large fight, but talked everything out, eventually. I don't think I would have been as upset as I was, had my hormones not been spinning out of control, due to mother nature's practical joke. However, we're better than ever now.
My mom's been off this week, so we've been spending a lot of time together. Monday they all came back from their Mobile trip, then my sister Leighton has been home sick the majority of the week, so our only day that was just the two of us was Thursday (Leighton tried to go to school, but got sicker that evening). We went out shopping (found absolutely nothing, big surprise, which sucks since I am in dire need of jeans and shoes), and had lunch at Old Mexico, which was super tasty. During the course of the day, I came clean about my depression and my suicide attempt. She asked what I thought would make me happy, and I told her that quite honestly, I didn't think I knew the answer to that anymore. We talked about college, and after hearing about my searches, asked why didn't I go to Tulane (ha!). I told her I thought a lot of problems would be solved if I could get out on my own. She smiled and (unmaliciously)said "That may be possible sooner than you think." (I hadn't told her about moving out yet, obviously.) I pressed and asked questions, but she was 'not at liberty to say'. We also talked about a lot of other things that have been going on, most of which she just didn't know what to say about/to. But she has a much clearer picture of my life now, I guess you could say. Friday we hung out some more, and found this terrific place for lunch. It's really tiny, on a road I pass all the time. It's just this little house that's been turned into a restaurant (you'll notice a recurring theme with my favorite restuarants, haha), has six tables, excellent decor, and wonderful food and service. Apparently because it is so tiny, they don't do any advertising, so it's that much more of a treasure to find! At any rate, during lunch I talked to Mom about our plans to get a place with Taco, and why. She was really understanding (?!), but said if I could hold off for a few months, there was something in store for me. Again, can't say what. She and Dad haven't talked about moving, I know this much. But apparently whomever is involved with this surprise scheme can't make the plan known yet, so I have to just wait and see. I kept asking her about it, but she said that she really wasn't supposed to have said anything, and she couldn't say anymore. I really wish I knew what it was, so I could plan accordingly, but there's no way to find out. I don't think it involves my dad, though, because of a certain way she worded it. And it's not to keep me from moving out, because she's encouraging of that. So... I don't know. She told me (since she can't tell me what said surprise or whatever is about) that I should just go ahead and do whatever I want to, since I can't find out. Hmm....... But yeah. For Christmas, I'm asking for the Kevyn Aucoin biography, and housewares.
Now, anyone that knows me knows how fanatic I am about Francesca Lia Block's books, all of which are set in California and sometimes New York. As a result, I've always wanted to live in California (though I never even visited). I've always wanted to go to New York, but now I'm also obsessed with California, too. Do me a favor....Go read Weetzie Bat. I'll love you forever, even if you don't like it. So here's my great news......(drumroll)........ I may get to visit California next month!! James bought a Ford Focus to get to his doctor appointments when he was stationed in California. When he was getting out of the Marines, his friend was going to buy the Focus from him. So James left it in California, for his friend to buy. But now it's not working out for his friend to buy it, and the car is stuck in California (and I'm planning on trying to buy it), and his friend doesn't have enough $$ for a car lift, so James is going to fly over there, then drive the car back from California. So if I can get an airplane ticket, too, I'm going with him. I REALLY hope that works out, because I really really really want to go. Plus his friend is getting married in Reno, and I've never been there, either, so if all goes well, we'll be heading out November 13th. So if anyone is interested in donating to the Lauren Goes to California fund....juuuust kidding. Unless you're interested, that is. Haha.
So. Last night James and I hung out, and it was really fun and sweet, even though we didn't do anything that extraordinary. We just have fun together. I bought another shirt I already had, but I'd messed up by accident, and got $2 off for it. I love that shirt. It's so teenybopperish, but I love it all the same. For anyone who's seen it, I'm talking about the black tee that has the lips on it and 'POISON' in light pink, melon, and black beads. We had dinner in the food court (a gryo and fries for me, which I haven't had in foreeeeeeverrrr). We searched all over the place for this video game James is obsessed with finding, and made a detour to the candy shop in the Dothan WalMart (see, yet another reason to move to Dtown, hahhaaha). It's this super cute candy shop, like in malls, etc, but the candy is extremely cheap, even though it's the same candy. Ridiculous. So I had fun getting into my little kid mindset and getting candy which we later snuck into the movies. We saw Kill Bill, which I was afraid I wouldn't like, and loved.
In about an hour, the Jamie's Kitchen marathon is coming on, and I'm in love with him, so I have to go and get cleaned up in preparation for being glued to the t.v. for hours tonight, ahhaha. Hope this was more enlightening than it was boring and time-consuming. Bon soir!
aigre-douce at 1:59 p.m.