2003-11-03
shotgun wedding
I'm really angry right now. For starters the template I want won't work, so I'm using this bojanky-jank regular template.
Onto other things..... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm tired of things the way they are right now, in more than a few areas. I asked Dad if I could go to California with James.....and he said no. Not only did he say no (b/c that would be condoning us spending the nights together), but I can't go anywhere with James till we're married and on top of that, I'm a 'moron' if I ever marry James, because he has a kidney disease. According to my dad, apparently, you don't choose who you're going to marry because you love that person, you only do it if it benefits you, and won't be an inconvenience in any way to your life. SELFISH, SHALLOW, HITLER-LOVING SON OF A BITCH. I didn't tell James about that (till now), I just held it in and let it eat my insides up with its acidic message. For the last 48 hours, I've been pretty quiet. And if you know me, you realize that's a pretty big deal. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Friday night I half-jokingly suggested we get married now, so that way I could still go to California (b/c he was very bummed that I couldn't). James said no, because I have to get financial aid for college. Until yesterday morning, I was under the assumption that I could file independently (once I moved out, got a job) and get more money that way for school. WRONG. I'm not considered an independent (no matter how little my parents support for me), until I'm 24. What. the. fuck. I did, however, find that you can get a lot of money for college (like, more than if you were an independent) if you're married. So I thought a lot. I thought about how I'm ready to take control of my life, and not have my parents have any say-so about what I can and can't do. I have a lot of things I want to do in life (like open a shop, for instance), but any time I bring this up around my parents, they tell me I can't, and all the reasons why. Seth's dad gave me the idea to open my own coffee shop (now), b/c I can get loads of grants to do so, etc., b/c of my sex and age. I don't even have to have a degree (though I suppose it would help). I talked about this to Dad, who immediately squashed the whole idea, and told me I wouldn't really be able to do that, b/c blahblahblahblah. If all you ever hear is "no" in life, you get pretty discouraged. For the love of God, I'm about to be 20, not in college, still living at "home", and can't do anything I want to. You'd think that since I'm not in college right now (taking the semester off), I'd be allowed to travel, right? WRONG. I hate my father. Like, I seriously hardcore hate him. He's beaten me up enough for me to be ready to kill him, only that would strain the whole family, economically. So I haven't. But I really do hate him. So yesterday I did a lot of thinking, and came up with a plan. It may be a bit rash, but you know what? Life is short, so what's the difference?? My plan was that James and I could get married in a courthouse this week, show my parents the marriage license, and I could go to California, where we could celebrate. I could pack up my stuff (what I would need in the short-run, not everything I've ever owned), store it in James's room till we got back, then we could find a place and move out. I was really nervous and skittish about suggesting it, as anytime I've ever taken up someone's offer of moving out with them, they back out of it, but I have more faith in James than I have had in other people. I wasn't worried about my parents not agreeing with us getting married, because I don't approve of them staying married, and if they think I shouldn't marry James over something that can't be controlled, their opinion really shouldn't mean much, anyway. And it doesn't.
So last night we were on the phone (James was spending the night with Taco, and some other guys were over there, playing video games), and I really wanted to go ahead and propose the idea before I lost the guts to do so. I asked him, and he said he would think about it and talk to me about it today. I went ahead and did all of the cleaning for today that I could do in advance. I was very goal-oriented. I got up early this morning to get everything done, took a shower, and by the time James got here (we were supposed to go apartment hunting), all I had to do was finish my makeup, and I could be out the door. That's pretty impressive, because it takes me for goddamn ever to get out the door. I went into the living room, to tell him I was ready to go.....And he was passed out on the couch. Apparently he didn't sleep any last night, so I let him sleep for about an hour and a half. When he woke up, he was angry (we got off to a bad start this morning), and too tired to do anything, so he went home. No apartment hunting today. I was fuming, and felt like an ass for ever suggesting my plan to him.
When James got home, he jumped online and we talked about the plan I'd suggested. Rather, we fought about the plan I'd suggestesd. He was mad because it would cost too much to do everything, something I hadn't thought of, because there were other expenses involved I didn't even know to consider. Thank you parents for raising me to be naive about life. So......the plan's a no-go. Most of it, anyway. We've considered getting married and moving in in December . . . but I don't want a December wedding anniversary (my parents's is in December, and we've always discussed having a fall wedding. We can always have the fun ceremony later, like when we're more financially stable and have more friends to invite. It's just not necessary. And to be completely honest, rings are nice, yeah, but again, they're not essential. I know of no law that claims you HAVE to have a ring to get married.
So.....now you're updated. Yeah, there's been a lot going on lately in my life. I'm ready to break out. And I'm getting red star tattoos on the backs of my ankles, pronto. Meaning.....sometime next spring or something, most likely. I can't wait for things to change.
In the meantime, I STILL don't get to go to California. No James for 2 weeks? Who's got the Valium....
P.S. (4:55 PM): I'm really pissed off. Mom got home, and got pissed off because I didn't do something just right (didn't know it was part of the plan, sorry), and was like, "I knew this arrangment wasn't going to work, blah blah blah." I reminded her she hadn't told me she wanted said thing done in that fashion, and she adamantly supported that she had. She hadn't. Then she just got really argumentative, in general, and I've already had a bad day and a shit-ass couple of days before that, and I'm not putting up with shit right now. I said something uncomplimentary about dad, and she fired me on the spot. So now I won't get money for cleaning after all. And she threatened to throw me out. She stands by dad, no matter what he does. "Oh, he beat the fuck out of you for no reason and left so many bruises total strangers demand to know what happened to you? No bother. I just better not hear you saying anything uncomplimentary of him." I swear to God. When Mom was little, her grandfather sexually abused her, and nobody believed her, especially not her grandmother. And if she said anything bad about him, she got in hella trouble. I wonder if she realizes she's doing the exact same thing with me, only it's not sexual abuse. Just every other kind. And not only that, but she's seen it happen. I'm really really really angry, and I want to get out of here NOW! I feel really violent right now, too. Oh well, back to making lasagne.
aigre-douce at 1:17 p.m.