2003-12-16
I Can't Catch You
I am bored to tears. I have so few people in my life that I see/talk to on a regular basis that I now consider the kid across the street, Kenny, a good friend. He comes over almost every day, and we joke how he's another one of my boyfriends, and we hang out. Who knew. I did, however, have a very nice, long chat with this guy. I'm depressed and scared that if something doesn't happen soon, I may be stuck in this situation much longer. The fact that I am in a state of depression is no one's fault, I suppose it is just a mix up of chemicals in my body? At any rate, I've been like this for years. I thought perhaps it was lifting, but now I doubt that.
On another, completely unrelated note, I love James but wish he paid me more attention. Perhaps that was a little too honest? I don't intend for that to sound whiny at all. James is a great boyfriend. It's just that we used to spend so much time together, and now we don't. Perhaps I just want too much of and from him. For the past month plus, he has been wrapped up in his world of fantasy and video games, and I'm an outsider. I understand his need for his time alone and to be off in his own world, but I wonder where I fit in. Does that make any sense? On the upside, we haven't had a serious fight in a really long time, which is very nice. I don't know. Too much time on my hands makes me think too much. I do know he loves me, though. I think things will be much better when we move, and I can actually have a life, work, etc.
After accepting the fact that there are just certain levels I CANNOT beat on SC2, I gave up and did my nails. I never do my nails, unless I'm inspired by something else or just ridiculously bored and can think of nothing else to do. Calluses are forming on my thumbs from the Game Cube controller.
This really isn't me whining, no matter how it sounds. It's just some thoughts that have been swirling around. Francesca Lia Block books always make me think more, and I finished her short book I just bought last night. So there you have it.
I wish I wasn't out of nailpolish remover. Hot damn.
In other words,
I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away? I've seen it before,
I've been here before.
If I have to love myself, tell me how to love myself.
What's there to love about myself?
I just wan't to see that as a person you want me.
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way,
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away,
And I can't catch you.
I guess I would say that I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack,
Adds a glow to my black as you chase it all away.
And I hope that you can see I will someday leave these things.
I am waiting to be free.
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way,
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away,
And I can't catch you.
Oh, I want to catch you. - 'I Can't Catch You' - Sixpence None the Richer
aigre-douce at 9:49 p.m.