2004-03-22
Another Woman and Growing Up
This weekend was indescribable, but I'll write about that in another entry when I have more time for details and stories. This morning I woke up just as everyone was leaving the house. I jumped online for a little while, and then ate some leftover lobster pizza that James and I had as an appetizer for dinner at Red Lobster in Pensacola last night. Even though I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday, and all weekend with him, I still missed James this morning. I called him, and we chatted for a while. I was freezing, so I climbed into bed and watched Another Woman, which is a Woody Allen film I borrowed from Straight Edge Allison a while back.
The movie made me think a lot about getting older. About a week ago, I had this dream where I woke up (in the dream) with a bloody mouth. Apparently, I had been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth so hard that I'd loosened several molars, and they were falling out. (According to one dream dictionary, dreaming about teeth is about Independence. Nourishment and communication. Seeking more power and independence, but all others I've ever looked 'teeth' up in mean that the dreamer is growing up.) After I spit my bloody teeth out, I looked out the window, and there was a multicolored VW bug with a small trailer attached to it. My aunt, grandmother, and uncle were standing behind it, and were giving it to me. Apparently, it was Christmas (and my birthday, even though in real life it's in June), and all of my family was there, as were Uncle Donald and Mary, and I was moving out, and they were all giving me moving out gifts. Then it turned into a scary Nightmare Before Christmas kind of thing, and I remember feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders since I had turned 20, and I was wishing I could be a kid again. I've been worrying about my life so much lately, like where I'm going, what kind of degree would compliment cosmetology well (since I REALLY want to go into that), etc, etc, and Another Woman made me feel a little better about everything.
In the movie, the woman is reevaluating her life, and it's actually quite sad. She's realizing how cold and purely cerebral she's been, but also that she's never really let herself feel. The guy she married, she did purely so because of his intellect, and how much sense it all made, but not because she was in love with him. She's 50, and she's wishing she had a child. When she was younger, she had an abortion because she just 'didn't have time' for a kid then, and wanted to focus more on her career, but really it didn't get her anywhere. Basically, she was the kind of woman that you would think have everything, but really, had nothing. I'm really glad that I've always put more of an emphasis on my personal relationships and let myself be me more than I have worried so much about everything else. It makes me feel a lot better, because while I may not be in college (right this second), I do have a boyfriend I'm moving in with and getting engaged to.
After finishing the movie, I hopped up and took off all of my glow in the dark stars and magazine pictures from my walls. I had more stars than pictures, if you're wondering. And the pictures I had were of Liv Tyler (1) and Lenny Kravitz (?). I also have some art stuff on my walls, which I kept on there. I also kept these Francesca Lia Block-inspired fairy wings I made once that are above my bed. Everything else, however, I tore down. To include my Powerpuff Girls poster. I feel somewhat accomplished, though now my walls are bare and empty, except for the dings and scrapes or stray pieces of putty that remain. It's kind of a weird feeling, but I'm proud. I've tried so hard to de-little girl my room, and it's so hard, especially when I have nothing else to work with. I'm proud. It's not that I run around looking like a little girl (except in my plaid, obscenely short schoolgirl skirt, wink wink), my room was just stuck in that mode.
Now all I have to do is find this Surrealism poster I saw in a teacher's office once. She didn't know who it was by, so I have to search purely on what I remember the picture to look like. It's challenging, especially since the connection to allposters.com keeps failing, but I haven't lost hope yet. Art, how I love thee.
aigre-douce at 5:30 p.m.