2003-04-27
Apple of His eye
I love random events. Tonight as I was making my aol profile, my away message was on, but I had an im. Everyone but one person on my buddy list was away, so I checked it, and it was someone I definitely did not know. Apparently this person's (I like how I assumed it was a guy) computer had frozen up while he was chatting w/someone else. And this other person's sn must be pretty darn close to mine. Which is sad, b/c it means I need to be more creative when creating screenames and such, but neat in a way b/c I communicated with someone else that I otherwise would not have. Make sense? I thought it was neat and very Amelie.
On the same note (about random things), my grandmother called me this afternoon (wow) to tell me God had given me a word to her for me. Which makes sense if you believe in that sort of thing, b/c if he's (He's?) been trying to talk to me, I haven't been listening. I braced myself, thinking it was something persecuting, and it wasn't. It was nice, but not something she'd just come up with. Comforting. (?)
The boy is being an asshole. It seems like when I call him (not all the time) I'm just wasting his time and jumping on his last nerve, just by calling. And I call once a day max, not even that often. But when you're close to someone and haven't seen or talked to him or her, it's natural to miss them. I don't even mean in a "ooh baby I miss you so much!" way, just a tug at your heart. That's how I felt today, so I called him just to see how he was doing, etc, and he answered rather flatly. He made the comment that he just didn't care about anything today, and I made a semi-joking comment about me bothering him by calling him, and he was like, "Not really" and I laughed and was like, "Oh, only a little bit then?" I laughed...and he was silent. He was just acting really mean. And I hadn't done anything, he started the convo like that. After a few more empty silences, I was just like, "Okay, well, I'm gonna go. Talk to you later this week." He got huffy about that, I said bye, and he hung up. He gets miffed if I don't say bye and just hang up, so it was a slap in the face. I called him back, and it was just bad. So I give up. If he wants a girlfriend, he should start acting like a boyfriend. I'm tired of being the one that tries to make sure this works. I'm tired of pouring all my effort into this. I give. I quit. Uncle! I can't do any more than what I've already done, short of having a perfect body and supernatural skin. I really can't do anymore, there's nothing left for me to try. I'm not too clingy; he never even knows 1/4th about what I worry/think about. I make sure of that. I'm tired of telling him things I want to hear (not "tell me...." I just tell him things I think he deserves "the best....in the world"), doing things that I don't feel are appreciated if they're even noticed. It's too much. I have a life, too. I have dreams and interests that don't involve or circulate around him, believe it or not. So I'm backing wayyy off and focusing on me now. If he wants me, he knows how to get in touch with me. I'm tired. I love him, but not the way he's acting. Sure we all have funky days, but if I'm having one and I'm being bitchy, I make a point to apologize/explain that it's not him, it's just my bad day. And I'm tired of apologizing for things that are't my fault. He lied to me about cheating on me a while back....so I apologized for it. Not that it was my fault, I just needed there to be an apology. Like I said, I tell him what I need/want to hear. It's ridiculous. I need to take less blame for things, especially when they aren't my fault in the first place. I could say a lot more, but it suddenly occured to me that I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep all weekend, and I'm sick and exhausted. Goodnight.
aigre-douce at 11:03 p.m.