2003-07-27
Rebel Yell
Am currently listening to Thursday, wearing my new FINAW tee, just had some Raisin Bran, am tired exhausted, and aggravated.
James and I have been fighting this week, and I am not a fan. Wednesday it was over religion, Thursday we didn't fight at all, and Friday was hell. I had to open the shop (meaning I had to get up REALLY early), then I worked by myself the entire time and was asked to work over. As a direct result, I was a tad grumpy when James came and picked me up at 1:45. It didn't help when I went to cash my check at the bank....and found out I was overdrawn pretty badly. I apologized for being grumpy, but then James was in a funk, and didn't get out of it till like 6 that night. Suuuuuuuuuuucked.
Here's why I want the Alliwhore bullshit not to go any farther - because despite the fact that it has nothing to do with me and I haven't said shit, because I am dating James (whom she's mad at) and she and I already go way back, there's bound to be shit started about me......again. And I think I've had enough for one summer, thanks. Even with all my coffee, I don't have enough energy for that.
Friday night got better (we did see Pirates again, after all), but since the day had been so suck-ass, we decided to do stuff Saturday to make up for it, right? That didn't work out. We had a bit of a fight, but then we decided to go see our friends' band in Panama City (which is about an hour and a half to two hours away). So we go....and get stuck on the strip because we don't know where the place is....and subsequently get there just in time to miss the band. It was still fun, hanging out with everybody. James and I went off on our own afterwards, and went on the actual beach (kinda crowded, even at night) and walked on the pier. I enjoyed that aspect of the night. As I had to open the shop again yesterday morning (and because I had to work from open till 2 by myself), I was dead tired and crashed on the way home. I think this pissed James off, for which I'm sorry. When we got to my house, he was super grumpy and was sporting this hat that said "Ain't Scared" with a skull wearing a Confederate bandanna on it.
It was supposed to be ironic, funny (since James isn't like that at all...except to Asians....and he's one). Instead, it just REALLY pissed me off, because I've always hated the Confederate flag. Excuse me, "Rebel" flag. I've always hated that shit. Hello, I grew up in the South. I hate the whole stupid redneck bigot assumption everyone has when they hear the word Alabama. I'm not like that at all. And I hate everything associated with the Civil War and the South. The South is NOT going to rise again, you fucking morons. Slavery was wrong, racism is wrong, and I don't give a shit what your reasons are for it, it's wrong. Maybe I'm the one that's being ignorant, but I just don't think it's right. Neither does James, he can just see part of it from the heritage viewpoint (for other people; he wasn't raised in the South....and maybe that's why he sees it; it just makes me too angry and it really offends me for me to understand at all). But I REALLY don't think it's funny at all. I've grown up with LOTS of racism, and I've always hated it. It makes me seethe with anger. It really makes me want to beat the shit out of someone. Some of the (extended) family I have is racist, and I absolutely will not put up with it. And they wear their little Dixie Outfitters shirts, and they think it's so cute, and they throw around the word "nigger" around me to see if I'll get pissed off or not, and make their little degrading remarks, and it really makes me want to shoot them. Or better yet, lynch them. HA. That's how I feel about that. Hello, I'm in love with rap and hip hop, did you really think I would ever find anything remotely racist funny? Hell fucking no. And even if someone sports that shit and doesn't mean it like that, it still offends me. It's a symbol of hatred and white supremacy and 'good old boys' bullshit, and I HATE it. And I hate when people are like, "Aw, it's just a heritage thing!" WELL THEN GO PUT IT IN A MUSEUM UNDER A GLASS CASE, YOU FUCKING MORON! And most of the people (all, actually) I have known to wear those ARE racist, and they're really ignorant. They're not just racist toward African Americans, they're like that towards foreigners, anyone who is not Caucasian American, basically. And they're close-minded about other things, too. They're obviously not going to agree with interracial marriages, and they've certainly never been accepting towards homosexuals. It's not just the racism thing, it's everything about them. They're annoying as fuck, they like to inbreed (okay, that wasn't fair, sorry), they have horrible twangs, their huge trucks make me want to twitch....oh yeah, and they're prejudiced! Sounds like a winner!
The thing is, I'm really tired of fighting with James. I do love him, unbelievably so. Otherwise I would've bounced by now. But I'm here. I feel like some psychotic girlfriend getting so angry about some stupid hat he bought from a gas station. It really shouldn't be such a big deal. But to me, it is. Extreme sigh. I feel like a bitch, and I hate that feeling. At the same time, I still stand my ground. James is the last person I would have ever expected to fight with this about. I mean, he's not even from here! Living in the South for quite a while, I've had a bazijillion arguments with people over this shit. It's a reason I don't date a lot of people, actually. Someone can be really amazing, but if I see that flag, it is ALL over. Usually. I don't want it to be like that with James. I love him to death. Hello, we're supposed to get married! Or...were? I don't know. I don't know if he wants to be with a girl "who listens to rap 24/6", loves the South but hates anything Confederate, and doesn't know shit about punk. And she's not even that cute...kinda pudgy, actually. Though my new shirt makes me look super cute. I don't know. Sigh. I love James. I love it when we lay there, holding each other. I love how no matter where I am, when I'm with James, I always feel at ease. But I'm tired of us fighting so much. Maybe it's just this week. I certainly hope so. I miss my James. I'm not a fan of this "Asshole James" (he said it, not me).
He really is a super great guy whom I really do look forward to spending the rest of my lif- er, a lot of time with, ah ha. Just kidding. I love [you]. Hopefully he will call me and we can patch things up.
In the meantime, I'm getting some sleep. Peace out.
Edit:
In his defense, James likes the hat for two reasons: 1. It's funny seeing an Asian punk guy wearing it. 2. The South is the only place he really calls home, having moved around a lot, and it's definitely a symbol of the south.
WE HAVE REACHED AN ACCORD! James says he's still wearing the hat....but for me, will cover the skull's bandana with a button. Awww, stupidly enough, that gave me warm fuzzies.
AND GUESS WHAT!! Suzie, my cousiin/bff, just called me and is apparently surprising me with a visit! Wahooo, Suzie hangout time!! Haven't seen her in ages!! Sooo excited! To the beach!!
End of fighting with James AND I get to see Suzie?! All is well fabulous. I love my life. And my James. And my beach and Suzie!
aigre-douce at 10:27 a.m.