2003-09-14
sunday sunday
Hiiiiya!
That was the best ever. Thank you, Brian.
I'm online, it's Sunday afternoon, and no one is online (or if they are, they're 'away'). Out of pure boredom, I checked people's away messages . . . and Brian's was : "Hi WeetzieChick, I'm on vacation." I especially enjoyed it because we don't talk often, but the other day I IMd him in reply to his away message. And then today I checked it, and Bam! That's the best ever, seriously. You made my afternoon a lot nicer.
As did Miss Desiree by calling. It's good to know that at least someone besides James has time for me. I love you, Desiree.
I'm really tired of superficial people. There are a few people I'm friends with in this area that know what happened Wednesday, and each of them acted almost angry when they found out. They don't have the time for me any other time, except when they think they should be giving advice and lecturing me. "Why didn't you talk to me before you tried that?" I'm referring to more than one person, by the way. It's like, people don't have time for me, and then they find out something like that happens, and they are 'concerned' and want to talk about it, and to hang out more often. And I'm not even talking about what happened Wednesday. The thing is, though, something big happens (not that I went around talking about it; I wouldn't give a damn if only James knew about it; I sure as hell didn't do it for attention), and they 'care so much' about me, and are so 'concerned', etc, etc, but do they have time to hang out? No. They'll be like, "I'll call you tomorrow and we'll do something to keep your mind off of things tomorrow, etc." Did they call? No. I love it. You know, really, I don't give a damn if people ever find out that sort of thing. Really, it's not their business. And that's why; because they don't really care, they just want to act like they do and then not be for me. It's like they want a "I Survived Lauren's Suicide Attempt" teeshirt just for the attention. Well, so did I, who gives a flying fuck. I can count on three fingers the people that have really been there for me. Three fingers because two people have only been there when it's been convenient for them, and then there are two people that really do care, they don't just pretend to make themselves look better. You know what? I don't care. I'm just tired of people calling themselves my friends when really, they're not.
I hope that made sense and didn't just seem like a bunch of bitching. I just had to get that off of my chest.
If you're going to be there for me, then be there. If not, shut the fuck up and don't act like you are. I'm not asking anyone to help me, I'm not all that sure that I even want it. But I am tired of people always being too busy on the rare occassion that I do need them, and them saying, "Oh honey, you know I'm here for you whenever you need me." No, you're really not.
And another thing- I don't talk to anyone about the way I feel because it just doesn't seem to help anymore. I've had people (of the few that know) be cynical and like, "How long have you and James been dating, anyway (for you to want to end your life over him)?" You know what? It's not James. Even if one day this relationship comes to an end and I'm super bitter, never will I say that what happened happened because of James. Because it didn't. People don't want to end their lives over just one thing. It's a million things that suddenly are just too much to bear. My fighting with James just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back, if you will. It's not just one or two, or even a handful of things. More like a million. I mean, of course all the fighting was upsetting, I'm more serious about James than I've ever been with anyone, despite how long we have or have not been together (and he feels the same way, if not more strongly than I). And there for a second it really resembled the ending of a relationship, when everything goes sour and you're just waiting for the sky to fall through the ceiling. So yeah, I was upset. I just went through a rather large breakup with Elliott. And by 'just', I mean this past spring. I know how hard that was on me, and with everything that's been going on (don't assume, because really, you have no idea), I knew that I was not going to be able to make it through the same thing with James, if that did happen. I really would end things permanently than ever have to go through that again. And no I'm not being melodramatic.
That's why I don't talk to people about it; "Don't you think you were being maybe a tad melodramatic?" No, I don't. You're not living my life, so shut the fuck up. If I wanted to be melodramatic about it, I wouldn't bathe, I wouldn't do my makeup, I wouldn't change clothes, and I'd tell the whole world about it. You know what? I don't do that. I hide how strongly I feel. And apparently, I do it well. Goddamn, I don't want fucking attention because I tried to end it. Friendship would be nice, but I suppose that would be asking too much of your (pl.) time.
Good lord, the default AOL sounds have been turned off for quite some time on my computer, and apparently someone turned them on, and on loudly. Someone just got offline and I jumped out of my seat, as no one is in the house right now and it's quite silent.
Whew.
James is coming home tomorrow and I've decided to open my own coffeeshop and work at the bank. And yes, I'll be going back in the spring. Sigh. But it's cool, b/c I'm dragging James along this time. Go me.
And for the record, when I say that if I really wanted attention, I'd tell the whole world about it, I mean I'd sign my name to it, with my picture next to it. Sure, people read this diary, but it's not like people I know (with the exception of James, Desiree, and Shana) even know I have one. And it's definitely not something I bring up in casual (or even most intimate) conversation(s), either.
aigre-douce at 3:14 p.m.