2004-01-28

Wishful Thinking

Today started nicely (in a false preview of how the rest of the day was going to be) and has gotten progressively worse. It was horrible. I would like to gouge out my eyes, since they always seem to want to well up and cry. If only wrist-slitting wasn't so damn permanent. It feels like things aren't getting any better at all. I don't want to end it, I just want things to get better. I want out of my house, away from my family and here. I'm tired of feeling enslaved to other people because they can do things that I can't do for myself. I feel handicapped, and I have no physical disablement. Fairy tales never came true.

Last night James and I saw Big Fish, and though I cried only a little the first time I saw it, I bawled like a baby in James's arms last night.

Tomorrow my family and I are going to Mobile (Loxley, rather, but then you wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about). The wake is on Friday; the funeral on Saturday. Which means we'll probably be there Sunday, as well. I detest taking trips with my family (though who else would I go with, right?). My parents get super stressed, the siblings are obnoxious and assininely annoying every chance they get and I'm stuck with them all with no way out. At least at home I can retreat to my bedroom, or talk Nichol into hanging out. Goddamn. At least we're staying with Uncle Donald. Hopefully Chandler will not annoy the fuck out of everyone there and embarass the family this time. Wishful thinking, I know.

It would be nice to feel cherished instead of just tolerated once in a while.

"Gone With The Sin"

I love your skin oh so white

I love your touch cold as ice

And I love every single tear you cry

I just love the way you're losing your life

Ohohohohoh my Baby, how beautiful you are

Ohohohohoh my Darling, completely torn apart

You're gone with the sin my Baby and beautiful you are

You're gone with the sin my Darling

I adore the dispair in your eyes

I worship your lips once red as wine